“Ladies and Gentlemen, We Have a Very Full Flight Today.”
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to today’s flight!
We’d like to remind you that this is a full flight. If you would like to check your carry-on bag at the gate, please come up to the side of the desk at this time.
Pretty soon we will begin boarding by your Zone Number. Please check your ticket for your Zone Number.
Would all those passengers traveling with children or needing assistance please form a line at the ticket counter? This will be a second line next to those wanting to check carry-on bags.
Folks, there is no fee for your gate-checked bag at this time. But that is subject to change.
Ladies and gentlemen, there is no room left in first class, so please stop asking. I remind you once again that this flight is very full.
We will begin boarding Zone 1. If you do not have a No. 1 on your ticket, please stay seated. Those passengers traveling with children or needing assistance, please keep your line orderly and we will get to you as soon as we can. We are dealing with the carry-on bag checking at this time. Zone 1, please stand up against the wall to help keep this organized.
Everyone, this is our fullest flight of the day. I thought you might like to know that the New England Patriots will be seated in the first 15 rows. So that means that anyone having a seat in the first 15 rows, please come to the desk immediately, and make a third line next to those passengers traveling with children or those needing assistance.
Ladies and gentlemen, because of the fullness of this flight, we are processing a $25 surcharge to everyone who just gate-checked his or her bag. I think I had mentioned it was subject to change.
Those of you in line who had seats in the first 15 rows, at least six of you will now need to occupy an Emergency Exit row. If you are unwilling to help in the case of an emergency landing, please form a line behind your current line, starting with the tallest.
At this time we are asking if any of you are willing to give up your seat for a later flight and accepting a $50 voucher that expires next Tuesday. That means two days from now, Tuesday. Not the “next” Tuesday.
Would any one carrying a small dog like to volunteer? Your dog can still travel. We just ask that you make arrangements for it to be picked up when we land.
Zone 2, we’re ready to board. I realize Zone 1 has not boarded yet. But please form a line on the opposite side.
Ladies and gentlemen we have reached capacity for gate-checked bags. For those of you traveling with infant children and would still like to check their bags, I’m not sure what to tell you.
Folks, please check your Zone Number again. I remind you that if you try to board out of your Zone Number, I am required by federal law to notify Homeland Security.
We’d also like to remind you that even though there is a zero percent chance you were able to make it through security with cigarettes or a lighter of any kind, today will be a non-smoking flight.
Zones 3, 4, and 5, you may begin boarding. Excuse me; you may begin forming your lines. Zone 3, you are on the left side of Zone 2. Zone 4, you will take the place of Zone 1, which will move behind the line of those passengers unwilling to help in the case of an emergency.
Zone 1, please move now. Zone 5, please form a semicircle and introduce yourselves.
If any of you are traveling with jackets or sport coats you’d like to hang up on the flight, this will not be possible, and I’m not sure who told you it would.
I think we mentioned the Patriots would be on board. Their equipment will most likely fill much of the overhead spaces.
All Zones, please have your ticket ready and facing up, but once at the scanner, they should be face down.
Because we had no volunteers, stand-by passengers, we have nothing left for you. The next flight to your destination leaves in 16 hours. There is a hotel 10 miles away, and a $46 shuttle if you would like to secure overnight accommodations. Nightly rates begin at $399. For those of you who would like to secure such plans, please form a line next to Zone 2. Zone 2, please move over a few feet, for God’s sake.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have some bad news. Your aircraft is being diverted back to its original destination due to heavy fog in the area. Its arrival time here has been pushed back approximately four hours.
Because the delay will occur over midnight and into a new day, we will have to re-book your flight plans. And I remind you that since fog is an act of God, no passengers will be permitted refunds at this time.
For those of you who would like to be re-booked, please form a line where the passengers who were, in fact, willing to assist in an emergency landing were formerly standing. They’ve since left, so I’m not sure how committed they really were in the first place.
I’ll ask once again: is there anyone here willing to give up his or her seat and take a later flight? That flight is now just 12 hours after this rescheduled flight.
OK, anyone traveling with a dog, your ticket has been canceled. The dog will still be going, though.
Folks, we ask that you please take a seat now and that you do not approach the desk at this time. We will one-by-one call you up for rebooking plans.
We anticipate a very full flight.
